Untrusting

I have decided that I don't feel comfortable posting on this blog. Dan has already admitted to me that he has logged into my photobucket accounts to look for pictures of him and I don't doubt that he would come here to see what I am up to.

For that reason, I am relocating blogs. (again)
I will contact those who read it to let them know the new blog address when I make it.

Still here

I am still around, I just havent had much time or energy to blog. Most of my apartment is packed up and ready for the move in 11 days. I haven't been able to knit since thats all packed in bins in the living room.

Mainly I have been getting my shit together and reading some "Twilight".

More to come after the move!

Last week I posted about my marriage being over. Dan did arrive in Arkansas, and I requested information from a lawyer to file for divorce. For the most part, things were fine. I mean sure there was stress with him not working, but it was stress we could handle.

Let’s rewind a few weeks. I got off work, got in the car and he asked me to hold a book for him that he had lying on the passenger seat. It was called “How to Survive a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage”. I was shocked. For those that know me, I am not as active in my faith as I should be. However, I believe in God, I believe in the Bible and all that. I just don’t go to church on a regular basis, more of a special occasion deal. Dan was majorly into “worship” yet he never went to church. I was trying to explain to him that I had the same religious beliefs as him and didn’t understand where all that was coming from. He never really responded. The next day, at work, I was thinking about it some more. I talked to him on the phone and he said he felt that if he had known how I was before we got married, he didn’t know if he would have married me. Woah there, I am the exact same person I was the entire time. Nothing about me has changed, except I might have gained a bit more patience. So, I wrote him a letter, calmly explaining that, and it hurts me to know that as my husband he is judging me on how I practice my faith. I busted out a few bible verses, and gave him the letter.

After work, he read the letter, and rather than talking to me, he wrote back. He basically shot down everything I said, ignored the bible verses and to sum it up, he didn’t want to accept me for who I am. So, he packed his bags and was working on getting a bus ticket back to Arkansas. The only problem? He had a way back to Arkansas, but no way to the bus station. I refused to take him. He had no money. He called the taxi company and tried to pawn his wedding band for a ride. Thankfully they turned him down. We sat in separate rooms and I finally got up, went into the kitchen and started making something to eat. He came in, saying if I would hug him, he would stay. So, I hugged him. We agreed we would work on sharing our feelings more, I would be more willing to attempt to go to this church he wanted to try out, and he would work on accepting things I like as well.

That lasted for about 2 ½ weeks. Things were going great. We were looking at apartments together, we were about to take a second look at the apartment we both loved. I had talked to him on the phone from work, he was all excited. Couldn’t wait to start furniture shopping. Two hours later, he picks me up from work, and decides he no longer wants to be married.

We went to my mother’s (because they were going with us to look at the apartment). Rather than Dan joining us for the second look, we left him outside my apartment and went to look at it ourselves. My mom and stepdad lent me the money for the deposit, and I move in on March 28th. When I got back home, Dan was waiting. He walked over to us and struck a deal with my parents. If they gave him money for his bus ticket and a ride to the bus station, he wouldn’t go after me for half of the income tax. All he wanted was his clothes, his computer and his cell phone. They talked it over and agreed, so off he went.

We spoke over the weekend. He told me he’s sorry for being a jackass, but he feels he never truly loved me in that way. He partially came here for a place to live, and partially getting over his ex girlfriend.

Now I am left here, wondering for the rest of my life, why a person who doesn’t love another, would promise to spend the rest of their life with them in front of family, friends and God.

I am slowly dealing with it. I have days where I cry, and days where I can smile and laugh again. Ideally I would like to be his friend, in the distant future, I just can’t right now.